Resources
Dialogue acronyms
The Retrouvaille program uses a set of acronyms to mark how you explore and express feelings in a dialogue letter. Each one points to a different angle on the same feeling.
What these acronyms do
The acronym in a dialogue question is an instruction. It tells you which kind of feeling to write about. "HDIF" (How Do I Feel?) asks for your current feeling. "HDIFAMA" (How Do I Feel About My Answer?) asks you to step back and notice what it was like to write what you just wrote.
Knowing the difference helps you write more precisely, and helps your spouse receive what you are actually trying to say.
These acronyms are one piece of the larger dialogue practice. For background on how the method works, see the FAQ or the core concepts page. When you are ready to put a question into practice, the dialogue questions page has more than 13,000 questions to choose from, and the feeling words list can help you name what you are writing about. The program that teaches all of this is described in full on the an overview of the program page.
Basic feelings
- DTFDescribe This Feeling
- DFILDDescribe Feelings In Loving Detail
- HDIFHow Do I Feel?
- HDTFHow Does This Feel?
Sharing feelings
- HDIFSTHow Do I Feel Sharing This?
- HDIFSTWYHow Do I Feel Sharing This With You?
- HDIFTTTYHow Do I Feel Telling This To You?
Reflective feelings
- HDIFAHow Do I Feel About…
- HDIFATHow Do I Feel About That?
- HDIFAMAHow Do I Feel About My Answer?
- WAMFWhat Are My Feelings?
- WAMFAWhat Are My Feelings About…
- WAMFATWhat Are My Feelings About That?
- WAMFAMAWhat Are My Feelings About My Answer?
Guidelines for your letters
- The direct answer to the dialogue question is usually 1 to 2 lines.
- Most of your letter is about the feelings that come up from that answer.
- Let the acronym tell you which kind of feeling to focus on.
- Share complex or contradictory feelings. That is often where connection happens.
How to use these acronyms
Two short lists. What to lean into, and what to set aside.
Lean into
- Let the acronym tell you which kind of feeling to write about.
- Answer the question briefly. Then write about the feelings.
- Describe what you feel. Don't explain or justify it.
- Stay with current feelings, not past ones.
Set aside
- Writing about the topic instead of your feelings.
- Explaining or justifying your answer.
- Telling stories or giving background.
- Skipping past the kind of feeling the acronym asks for.
Examples
Click any acronym for a sample question, a brief answer, and where the focus belongs.
Used when you need to describe a specific feeling in the present moment. Focus on the emotional experience itself, the physical and emotional sensations you are experiencing right now.
Question: When you hold my hand, DTF?
Answer: I feel warmth spreading through my chest
Focus: Describe the physical and emotional sensation you are experiencing right now.
Invites a more detailed, loving expression of your feelings. Take time to explore and express the nuances of your emotional experience with care and attention to detail.
Question: What do you feel when we pray together? DFILD?
Answer: I feel a deep, peaceful connection
Focus: Describe the depth and quality of your feelings with care and attention to detail.
The most basic feeling question. Simply express your current emotional state about the topic at hand. No explanation needed.
Question: We're starting this weekend's program. HDIF?
Answer: I feel nervous but hopeful
Focus: Express your current feelings about the situation, no explanation needed.
Focuses on your immediate emotional reaction to a situation or topic. Stay in the present moment with your feelings.
Question: I just apologized for last night's argument. HDTF?
Answer: It feels like a weight lifting off my shoulders
Focus: Describe your immediate emotional reaction.
Focuses on your feelings about the act of sharing, not the content itself. Explore your emotions about being vulnerable and open.
Question: What's your biggest regret in our marriage? HDIFST?
Answer: I feel exposed but trusting
Focus: Express feelings about the act of sharing this regret, not about the regret itself.
Specifically about your feelings of sharing with your spouse. Focus on the relationship aspect of sharing, the connection it creates.
Question: What's your deepest hope for our marriage? HDIFSTWY?
Answer: I feel deeply connected and understood
Focus: Express feelings about sharing this hope with your spouse specifically.
Emphasizes the act of telling rather than sharing. Focus on your feelings about actively communicating something to your spouse.
Question: What's something you've never told me before? HDIFTTTY?
Answer: I feel brave and closer to you
Focus: Express feelings about the act of telling this new information to your spouse.
Directs you to explore your feelings about a specific aspect or topic. Be specific about the feelings related to that particular thing.
Question: HDIFA our new commitment to daily prayer?
Answer: I feel encouraged and committed
Focus: Express feelings specifically about this new commitment, not prayer in general.
Asks for your emotional response to something specific that was just mentioned. Focus on your reaction to that particular item or statement.
Question: I want us to start counseling together. HDIFAT?
Answer: I feel both scared and relieved
Focus: Express your feelings about this specific suggestion.
Reflects on your feelings about the answer you just gave. A meta-emotional response. How do you feel about what you just shared?
Question: What's your biggest fear in our relationship? HDIFAMA?
Answer: I feel vulnerable but relieved having shared this fear
Focus: Express your feelings about having revealed this fear, not about the fear itself.
An open invitation to explore all your feelings about a topic. You can list multiple feelings and explore their interconnections.
Question: We're celebrating our anniversary today. WAMF?
Answer: I feel grateful, joyful, and deeply blessed
Focus: List and explore multiple feelings about this celebration.
Directs you to explore multiple feelings about a specific topic. Similar to HDIFA but invites a broader range of emotional responses.
Question: WAMFA our decision to attend Retrouvaille?
Answer: I feel hopeful, anxious, and determined
Focus: List multiple feelings specifically about this decision.
Asks you to explore multiple feelings about something specific that was just mentioned. Similar to HDIFAT but encourages listing multiple feelings.
Question: I want to renew our vows next year. WAMFAT?
Answer: I feel excited, touched, and a bit overwhelmed
Focus: List multiple feelings about this specific suggestion.
Invites you to explore multiple feelings about the answer you just gave. Similar to HDIFAMA but encourages a broader range of emotional responses.
Question: What's your biggest dream for us? WAMFAMA?
Answer: I feel vulnerable, hopeful, and deeply invested
Focus: List multiple feelings about having shared your dream.
Continue reading
Need to talk to someone?
Our communities run weekends all year. Call us, email, or look for a program near you.
All conversations are confidential.